Haha, oh me

Well, someone has not been very successful at belt-tightening during the first week of May, and that someone is me.

My new job is going to be tough - I can feel myself burning to spend spend spend as I look through all the stuff in the store. I bought lunch at Tim's yesterday because I hadn't brought anything with me, and then on the way home I needed new mascara because I had accidentally left mine at a stranger's house when I was trying on jeans...and then somehow that turned into ice cream and popcorn and also Claritin for my sinuses...

To sum up, I have $88 in my bank account and about $60 in cash to last to the end of the month.

That's just discretionary spending, I don't want anyone to panic. I have accounted for all the other money that comes in, so I'm not in danger of missing my mortgage payment or pad rent. But I'm probably going to be eating out of the freezer a lot this month. And I really need to get off my butt and take photos of the stuff I am trying to sell on the Buy & Sell. Nothing like getting paid to declutter :P

Curveballs

Well, the victory of the mortgage payment was countered with the less-than-victory of expenses exceeding income this month. The Truck expenses (tires and oil changed, service, replacement of a burnt out indicator) came from the Truck account, so that was okay. But there was no account to cover the cost of having a small piece of my washing machine replaced.

I suppose I could have taken it from my Heating account, but that doesn't sit right with me. I think I might need a third account for Home Maintenance.

The expenses didn't put me in the hole, exactly, but they ate into my buffer money, and that is irritating. May is going to be a month of belt tightening, I think. I need to plug up the leaks in my wallet (fast food/junk food is the #1 wallet-leak that I can see), and get that money flowing into my savings.

Finances, wooo!

Small Victories

I increased my mortgage payment by 10% starting with yesterday's payment. I'm allowed to do that once a year, in addition to making Double-Up payments (haven't done that yet) and paying an annual lump sum of up to 10% of the entire mortgage (hahaha, it's a lovely dream).

Yesterday's payment took the mortgage down to just under $83K, and I'm now on track to have that sucker paid off in 18.5 years instead of 24. And it only costs me about $20 more per payment. Yay!!

I may have done a few shimmies in the file room to celebrate :)

You don't realize how useless most of the stuff you buy is until you try to sell it and no one wants to buy :P

Ah well, live and learn. Stop buying DVDs.

Home again, home again

The trip I just took to Europe with my youngest sister was incredible. Meeting my nephew, spending time with both my sisters and brother-in-law, eating and drinking great food and wine...makes me wish I could be on vacation all the time.

But I can't, so it's back to work for this gal. It's a good thing that I like my job as much as I do, even though it turns my hands into sandpaper.

Ugh

I'm reminded that I don't fit in a really good niche in the personal finance sphere.

Most of the advice geared towards people looking to save money involves basic suggestions like 'cut cable,' 'brown bag your lunch a couple times a week,' and 'stop buying fancy coffees every day.'

It's a tad harder to find ways to save money when you already pack your own lunch every day (made from leftovers you cooked the night before, with ingredients as basic as you can get), haven't had cable in 10 years, don't have a cell phone, and basically already do all the stuff financial gurus tell you will make a difference.

Like, I'm not going to start smoking again just so I can quit again and save money that way.

I want to be able to pre-pay big chunks against my mortgage every year. I want to maximize my TFSA and RSP every year. I want to live free, under my own steam, knowing I've got something put away for tomorrow but also having enough to enjoy today.

Something tells me I might have to become my own personal finance blog - I'm not going to find the right fit for a thrifty Northern life in PF blog from someone living in TO. I have to figure this stuff out on my own :P

Avoidance

I have stayed away from here for a very long time.

I made excuses (I'm on too many platforms, I don't have anything to say, I don't have time) and I dithered.

The truth is, I needed to go away to begin to heal. My transition from life in Faro to life in WH has been tumultuous. If one were to look at the graph of my life since I moved, the general trend is upward, but it's been full of many ups and downs.

I have needed time away to start to find myself again. I recently mentioned to someone that I don't think there's anywhere I am or anyone to whom I am completely honest. I'm constantly putting on different outfits, being different people, editing what I say and what I do depending on who I am with.

It's fucking exhausting.

So, now I get to decide if the exhaustion of being so many different people is more overwhelming than letting some of those people go. I don't know the answer. I may not know the answer in a few weeks. I may not update for another year.

But I'm still here, and I'm getting better.

Can't make you any promises

I'm back today, and today is what I can give you.

It's been a year and a half of hard, hard work. Some big downs, followed by big ups. Where I am in the spectrum can only really be determined after the fact, but I'm still around.

Still Kicking

Just doing it very very quietly, away from the internet :P

I must be coming down with something...

...because all I want to do is eat warm food and have someone bring me tea. And then cuddle with me, because I am needy and emotional.

I shall call him...Destructor

I discovered a hole in the centre of the quilt on my bed, complete with little tufts of batting floofed out 0n the surrounding blocks. I'm not currently pointing a finger, but if I were, it would be pointed at Paku. My Skinny-Bee, my Ping-ping, my destructive terror who hides behind a mask of timid adorability. God damn, skinny cat.

Luckily, the quilt is not one of my ultra-favourites. It has sentimental value, yes, as it is the quilt I pieced in my last year in Japan, and is made of a mix of fabrics (a stack of fat quarters I bought in Stratford, fabrics I bought at the Yuzawaya in Tachikawa, sheets from my single bed at the Gaijin House), but it is not a quilt I look at and think, "That is totally my style." My style has changed so much in almost five years, and I can't imagine making a quilt like this one again.

Still, I should have remembered the cats had it in for this quilt. One time, when I was still quilting it, Rodney peed on it when I put it down to make supper. Of course he chose one of the dark red sections, and the colour ran. I had to wash it right away, even though only the very centre of it was quilted. I think I locked him out on the balcony for a while so that I wouldn't accidentally kick him to death.*

Anywhoodle, they are now curled up at the end of the bed, propped up against my feet. You'd think they never had any thoughts toward this quilt other than it being a cherished resting place. Jerks.

*I would never kick either of them to death, accidentally or on purpose, no matter how often I threaten to murder them to death. Which is often.

Crisp evenings

Welp, it's getting pretty crisp here in Faro. I pulled out a scarf and my Miss Marple hat for the walk over to the council meeting. The scarf matched my hair perfectly, while the pink hat looked a little odd. Hurray for not caring about what other people think!

Harold told me that he is using the quilt I gave him, and he loves it. When I first bought my fancy dancy sewing machine last year, I was too nervous to even take it out of the box for a month. I had never spent that much money on a household appliance before, and I was convinced I would break it. Harold was the one who pushed me into using it, and the quilt I gave him was the first one I made on that machine. It's not the best one I've made, but it was the first one, and it meant something to me.

I'm hearing lots of things from old friends - sad news, dissolving relationships, depression in its many awful faces. I can't physically reach out and take their hands or give them hugs, but my spirit is out there with Zen-hugs en masse. We're all in this together, on this blue-green rock in space. I love you all.

Reflections

Long time, no talk. It's an ongoing theme here at Here Right Now.

Kara has a post up that has got me thinking. It's even distracted me from the episode of ST:Voyager I've been looking forward to all afternoon (Collective - in which we meet the adorable Borg children in Season 6).

I know I'm one of the friends she refers to in the middle of the post - I watch as friends and family almost seem to panic as soon as my weight approaches their own.  They hop on the newest diet or exercise bandwagon to try and lose some weight.  Part of me is happy for them, of course I want to see everyone successful in their own weight loss endeavors.  But then part of me is pissed off.  Why did they wait until my weight was almost on par with theirs?  It makes me feel pretty crappy when it really shouldn't.

Okay, well except for the jumping on the newest diet or exercise bandwagon - unless eating nothing but cornbread is a new diet trick.

I don't know how to explain what I am feeling. All my feels are jumbled together, and it's hard to express them. But, in the interest of emotional breakthroughs, I'm going to try.

There is a part of me that is jealous of what Kara has achieved in the past year, but that jealousy stems from ... shame? Maybe shame is the right word in this case.

Kara has achieved so much, and it has not been easy. I have watched her struggle, but from the outside it looks easy. She has made a commitment to her health, to her emotional well-being, to her family, and it shines from her. Every time I see her, I am in awe.

The shame comes from deep within, from the part of me that says, "You haven't done anything like that, have you? You haven't put in the extreme effort that she has, of course you have no right to achieve what she has. You want it to happen without doing anything differently, when you know that is an impossibility. So sit on your couch and cry like a baby, because that's all you're entitled to at the moment."

It's not that I want to change the way I eat and race her to the finish line. It's that I am ashamed that I haven't done that - that I've let so many years go by, unhappy with myself, and I've done nothing. I don't want to let my bad feelings about myself hurt her progress in any way.

I am amazed by you, Kara. Every day, I'm amazed at how strong you are. Don't ever think that your success is not 1000% deserved, because it is.

So, now that I have those feels out in the open, I'm going to wash the dishes and get back to the Borg.

Where she been at?

I started an entry a couple weeks ago, but didn't get to finish it (I may have been at work, possibly?), and figured it was just easier to start over.

It's been a long time since I wrote - during that time, I accepted that I was not providing the best home for Aki and surrendered him to the shelter in Whitehorse, said goodbye to my work as the minute-taker/scribe for a local group, and focused on getting myself back to a more even keel. For the most part, I'm there now.

I'm getting ready to head out to Ontario to celebrate my middlest sister's nuptials, and to work on cleaning out my old bedroom at my parents' place. That's going to be tough - even though I haven't needed/wanted anything that was there (with a few exceptions - Hamish Hamilton Book of Princesses, you are coming back to Faro with me, never fear!), I know that as soon as I sit down to go through the process of decluttering, I will be hit with massive waves of paralyzing nostalgia. Going to have to fight my way through it, I guess.

As I watch Rodney sleeping on a pile of laundry that's supposed to be in the machine, and listen to Pakuchi rustling around in the drapes, I'm feeling pretty good about life. I've got good pals, a great family, and some kickass projects waiting for me when I get back here.

 Don't you worry about me.

Goodbye, Mr April

So, uh, I think I'm taking Aki to the Animal Shelter in Whitehorse tomorrow. He's too much for me to handle - he's huge, he's dominant, and today he actually bit me (as opposed to the nips he has done before). I'm conflicted and sad about this, but I think it's probably for the best all around.

明けましておめでとう！

Akemashite omedetou! Happy New Year!

A new year dawns, complete with the promise of new blog entries, full of apologies about not writing ^_^

In looking back over the past year, I'm pretty grateful for all my experiences. It wasn't the worst year ever, it wasn't the best year ever, but everything I experienced has put me on the path to becoming a more awesome person.

I'm thankful for coming to terms with my depression. When I think of how many years I have been wandering around in a fog, I'm amazed that I made it out of bed every morning. Since beginning treatment in September, I have made great strides toward becoming a fully functioning member of society ^_^ Okay, maybe not great strides, but some little baby strides.

I'm glad I took Aki in. He's a handful, and when he destroys things I often wonder if he's worth it, but when he leans in so I can skritch his chest and lets out a big sigh, I know I did the right thing. Also, he gets me out walking, which helps with the whole "too depressed to exercise" thing.

I sold some quilts! Quilting has been a hobby for me for many years now, but it's never been something I thought I was good enough at to make any money. I love doing it, and am happiest when my quilts find a home where they are enjoyed, but to think that I can earn some of the material cost back is pretty awesome.

I have a great network of family and friends. My parents and sisters are awesomesauce, and I am looking forward to seeing them all in June for Hezz's wedding. My friends in Faro who look after me, my friends back in Ontario who remind me of my roots, and my friends overseas who remind me of who I have been and will be again...I wouldn't be myself without them.

But, this wouldn't be a proper New Year's Day post without some goals for 2012, so here they are:

1. Be furiously happy. I discovered this concept earlier this year via The Bloggess's presentation at Ignite Evo - this video right here. If this means taping pictures of velociraptors all over town, gluing rhinestones to my truck, or taking a half-day every Wednesday to play with the dog, I want to do it. My parking spot is marked with a "Beware of Velociraptor" sign, and it makes me smile every morning. Do ridiculously silly, stupid things.

2. Work harder at failing. This is self-explanatory to me - as much as I want to just be automatically good at new things, statistics show that there is a correlation between practice and perfection. Note - I am not interested in perfection, per se, but in proficiency. I know that I need to fail at things in order to become any good at them. (Right now, I'm thinking about the free-motion quilting aspects of my life, but I'm also signed up for archery at the Rec Centre on Thursday nights, and I'm just letting my fellow students know in advance - y'all should probably be standing behind me when I let the arrows loose - just sayin'...)

3. Forgive more. I know that I am carrying around baggage from years ago. Sometimes, it feels like I've been carrying things around for centuries. This year, I want to release more of those suitcases of guilt and anger and hurt feelings and hopelessness. I don't want to be bent under the weight of things I haven't faced and haven't forgiven. (This may require some wine, though. And chocolate. And Kleenex.)

4. Leave my main bad habits behind. This one doesn't need to be expanded on in public ^_^

5. [REDACTED] Sorry, this one is personal, too.


So, that's what 2012 had better shape up to be - furiously happy, full of failures, and free of past hurts. Woooo!

So Tired...

I took the afternoon off work, and H and I drove our dogs down Blind Creek Road. We parked about halfway between the turnoff for the Sheep Viewing Cabin and the eponymous Creek, let the dogs out of the trucks, and proceeded to walk behind them as they ran and jumped and did dog-things. We pretended to be scared of them when they came tearing back toward us ("Ah! They have rabies! Ah!"), lured them to rest with bacon (jerky treats, not real bacon), and shot the breeze about dog-stuff.

I worry that I am not providing the kind of home that Aki deserves...and then I remind myself that he probably would have been eaten by a wolf some time over the last month if I hadn't taken him, so he's doing pretty well.

Anywhoo, the end result of our walk is that Aki is asleep in his crate, the cats are asleep on my feet, and I will be asleep shortly after I put the laptop down and turn out the light.

Not bad, for a Wednesday.

Holidays are Near...

Less than 3 weeks until I get a whole week of vacation! I wake up every morning almost delirious at the thought of time off.

You see, except for a couple of trips to WH for groceries/shopping, and the three days I took off over my birthday, I haven't had a significant vacation since...well, last Christmas. And I am tired.

I'm trying to work some heavy-duty house-cleaning in over the next couple of weeks, so that by the time 12:00pm December 23 rolls around, I won't have to do anything but play with the dog, work on some quilts, and eat stuffing constantly. (I'm going to stock up.)

So ridiculously excited!

Slack Bloggers

I'm reassured as I catch up on the updates from Mads and Erica that I'm not the only slack blogger around. In fact, perhaps there was something in the apartment we shared in Kingston that causes slack blogging? If only C had a blog, we could confirm it ^_^

Yesterday, as I was rushing to finish a quilt for the Christmas Tea and Bazaar, I suffered my first major quilting injury. Now, over the years, I have been pricked by many a needle/pin, but I have never done anything that required more than a bandage. But yesterday, somehow (and I can't really remember how I did it, I think I was in shock) I managed to stab right through my left index finger with a machine needle and break the needle off in my finger.

Yeah, I'll let you think about that for a minute.

There I was, all alone, in my pyjamas, with half a needle impaling my finger. My first thought was, "Okay, better move my hand away from the quilt so I don' get any blood on it." My second thought was, "Is that the pointy end of the needle? My tweezers are too far away for me to deal with this." So I wound up using my embroidering scissors as tweezers to remove the offending piece of shrapnel.

Then I had to use many bandages to secure my finger, prevent bloodstains, and keep from freaking out every time I looked at it. I may require a tetanus shot.

Needless to say, the binding on the quilt didn't get finished. I brought it to the bazaar anyway, though, just so people could see what kind of stuff I can make.

I sold three items at the bazaar, which was pretty good for my first time. One of the items was the wallhanging that was a miniature version of Mark and Beth's wedding quilt. It hurt to part with it, but I think I will be allowed to go and visit it if I get really sad.

Now that the throbbing in my finger is down to a dull ache, perhaps today I will finish the binding on the Quilt o' Doom and start sketching new things to make with my stash ^_^

Where I've been...sort of

So, I've been informed by Kara that I've been fairly slack in the blogging department. She's right, of course. And Harold commented on my lack of updates, too, which gets me thinking it's time to get busy and get blogging.

I could blame work, or my inherent laziness, or the fact that if I can't think of a totally awesome topic to blog about then I don't feel like blogging, but those are all excuses. I just haven't been feeling it, you dig?

My latest excuse is the newest addition to my family...this guy.



This is Aki (or 秋, if you want to get technical), and he joined the family on November 6th.

Here's a little backstory on this guy. He is five months old, and has been running wild pretty much that whole time. The other puppies in his litter found new homes almost right away, and Harold tried to convince me when he took Aki's sister that I really needed a dog. To which I replied, "No way, I am not cut out for dog ownership."*

Aki would wander over to the town office and sit on the porch, looking in the doors and windows with a sad face. Eventually, one of his neighbours started putting food out for him, because he was losing all his puppy fat and it was starting to get cold. As the temperature dropped, my tiny shrivelled heart shrivelled up even more. "He's just a puppy!" my heart would shriek. "He needs to be looked after!"

Eventually, I couldn't stand it anymore. Michel had offered me a doghouse. Heather had offered me dishes and toys and anything I needed. Kara offered me dire warnings about how I really didn't want a dog, did I really want to be going for walks at -40, what was I going to do with him when I had to go to town? Thanks, Kara ^_^

At any rate, Aki came home with me a week ago, and we've been motoring along fairly well. I'm definitely not energetic enough for a 5-month old puppy, but I'm doing my best. We walk three or four times a day, he stays outside while I'm at work, and the cats are teaching him who's the boss around the house.**

I'm trying to teach him to be a good canine citizen. Poop is scooped. Jumping up is discouraged. Dog friends are being made (every time we walk by Copper's house, Aki pulls on the leash because he wants to go play). I'm trying to forget that I've been afraid of dogs ever since a friend's Boston Terrier bit me back in high school. And I'm dreaming of the day when I'll have the energy to take Aki to the park and actually play with him, instead of passing out at the end of the day.

It's coming, right?



* Famous last words.
** Rodney is the boss. If the dog sasses me, the dog gets a smack from Rodney.