Try to tamp it down

The anxiety, that is.

I'm a naturally anxious person. I worry about stuff that I have no control over, and I worry even more about things I have even the slightest amount of control over. I worry about things that didn't happen but might have happened (example - the time I nearly got hit in the face with a taiko drumstick while the PE teacher was pounding out the accompaniment to the Nen-cho class's Sports Day display - I still wake up in a cold sweat about that).

It's hard to let go of anxiety when it feels like it's the reason you exist. This job doesn't help that. The job itself is great, but all the uncertainty surrounding it makes it very difficult to know what I am doing from moment to moment. And, naturally, my already high anxiety-levels skyrocket.

I'm having breakouts. My hair is falling out again. I eat stuff I know I shouldn't. And it just builds on itself.

But there are nice things, too. Yesterday, Bernice made me a BLT and Caesar salad for lunch, and Kara had me over for moose stir-fry. (Kara also let me use some of her photos for a new sekrit project which I hope will bring in some tourists - yay Kara!) I had a delicious peach for breakfast.

I guess I just need something around that reminds me not to let anxiety get the best of me. Perhaps it's time for some new tattoos ^_^


EDIT - And then I read this entry from Celia McBride, and I remember to notice the sun shining on the mountains.

Heartburn...

So many delicious pancakes for dinner + delicious chocolate cake = heartburn that won't end.

Such a sad ending to a delicious meal chez Went. They're getting ready to go away for two weeks, and I will be on my own again. I will have to occupy myself with painting the new house ^_^

In other news, there's a big public meeting in town tomorrow, and guess who gets to take the minutes? The girl who plans on getting all dolled up for it and wearing her stompy red sandals, that's who! Red skirt, black sweetheart-neck t-shirt, and crazy shoes - they'll have to pass a bylaw to get me dressed down!

I'm kind of tempted to buy these gold platform shoes with red rhinestone flame decals, just so I can wear them to meetings. It would be a kick, really ^_^

Where have I been?

Let's see...lounging, having a headache, working, working, having a stomachache, taking a sick day, and that brings us to today.

One thing I like about this town? People notice if you're not where you're supposed to be. Kara noticed my truck wasn't in front of the office yesterday, deduced I was sick, and she and Matt and the kids brought me dinner (and visited briefly because it was pouring buckets outside). Back in London, no one would have noticed a thing like that. Or brought me delicious cabbage-roll things.

Unfortunately for me, my landlord had made arrangements for some guy to come look at my house yesterday - without letting me know. The guy turned up, and I'm in my sweatshirt and fuzzy pants, definitely not expecting company. I asked if he could give me half an hour, and I tidied up the kitty litter and threw several bags of garbage in the garage. The house wasn't perfect, but it was okay.

Actually, the more I think about it, the more pissed off I get with my landlord. I thought maybe he had tried to email me at work, but when I got here this morning, there was no email. I was home all Tuesday night, so I don't want to hear him say he tried calling. That is bull cookies.

Also, if I hadn't been home sick, there wouldn't have been anyone home to show the guy around. Did you think about that, landlord?

Whew. Sorry, that got a lot rage-ier than I meant it to. I need to summon back the calm of last night - headache gone, belly full, overdosing on Supernatural. Life was good then.

Tagged

I got distracted yesterday before I could finish the Tale of Saturday, but I'll get back to it eventually.

In the meantime, Kara tagged me in a mini-interview. Since talking about myself is one of my favourite things, this seemed like a natural fit ^_^

1. Where would you like to live once you retire?

Somewhere that was a mixture of rustic and urban. Since I've been in Faro, I've become much more rustic than I ever was before, but there are times that I miss the city. I'd like to live somewhere where I didn't have to socialize with anyone, but I wouldn't have to look too far if I did want to. (*realizes this is not a definitive answer, but [hopefully] has many years to think about it)


2. What causes you to worry the most?

The thought of dying alone. (Or the fear that I'm somehow going to destroy every place I live.)


3. What was your favorite toy as a child?

Well, there was that My Little Pony that I loved and some jerk girl stole from me in second grade, but I think I have to go with Sheepie - a stuffed sheep given to me when I was born. He's travelled the globe with me, and he's sitting on my bedroom windowsill at the moment.

4. Do you make decisions quickly and easily or do you fret over them for long periods of time?

Both. I think and think and think, and then I shut my eyes and jump in, and then after I've jumped I think and think and think and regret and wonder why I can't be a normal girl who makes decisions rationally.

5. What hobby would you pursue if money wasn't an issue?

I would become a full-time quilter. I'd have a quilting room set up with sewing machines, a frame so I didn't have to have the quilt on my lap in summer, a TV so I could watch endless hours of forensics shows while I worked, and a crazy big stash of fabric.

Either that or move back to Japan and study bellydance all the time.


I hope you've enjoyed this little trip inside my brain. It was fun for me. I'm tagging Erica S, because I don't think I can do a touch-back on Kara. (If I can, Kara, consider yourself re-tagged.)

1. What inspires you?
2. What is your favourite fairy tale/folk tale?
3. Which historical figure (real or fictional) would you like to have dinner with?
4. Which of your personality traits is your favourite?
5. If you were about to be exiled and could only take one memento from home with you, what would you take?

Fin

I survived the weekend, with only one major attack. It was a doozy, and I am still paying for it, but such is life.

I took today off - I really needed some time away from people, and I want to be at my best when I meet the new guy tomorrow. I'm hoping he'll be able to direct things and I can go back to what I do best - painting my nails.

Just kidding. I don't paint my nails because they chip and look tacky about two minutes after I've painted them.

I went to Kara's for a nice cup of tea this afternoon, and then hurried home to tidy up my house for prospective buyers. They are coming back tomorrow night, which gives me a little more time to tidy again. But I probably won't. I'll just flop out.

It's just after 10, and I am going to bed. My body is more tired than I like to admit after all the running around I did. My soles feel blistered.

Important Lessons I Have Learned

In much the same way as my (entire) time in Japan, my first few months in the north have been filled with Learning Experiences^TM.

I've learned that as much as I hate dress pants, I can't wear skirts to work if I am walking from the Upper Bench to the office and the temperature is below -10^o. Also, I've been informed that people are going to look at me funny if I do wear skirts to work.

No matter how expensive food from the hardware store is, I will buy it because I have impulse control issues.

When you buy half a cord of firewood cut to fireplace length, so you can enjoy evening fires in your fireplace, make sure you also have an axe to chop the logs in half, otherwise you've just paid a bunch of money for something you can't really use yet. (Good job!)

Make non-work friends in addition to your work-friends. (This one can be hard if you're socially awkward like me, but try.) Work can suck the life out of you, and it's nice to talk to people who aren't connected to work at all.

Make more quilts. You never know when the temperature, which has been hovering around the 0^o mark for the past few days, will suddenly plummet, leaving you shivering in bed at midnight, unwilling to go make a hot water bottle. Quilts are always handy.

Another day, another box of stolen pens

Not *actual* stolen pens, of course. It's just a line from an old episode of the Simpsons. But I say it every Monday morning.

Technically, it's Monday afternoon already, so I'm running late.

I got two things off my desk this morning, but already I feel behind. It's hard to separate my job and my life, especially when I don't have much of a life outside of the job. That's what happened in Japan - all I had was the job, and I hated the job.

I don't want to be like that again. I want work to end when I leave the office, and I want to be moderately excited about going to work in the morning. When I'm away, I want to be happy - I don't want the thought of returning to work to make me sad. Sure, Tuesdays might be long on meeting days, but they're once every two weeks. I can handle it.

I am enjoying going to aerobics classes - sure, I groan and curse while I'm there, but I always feel so good after feeling so bad. I like hanging out with Matt and Kara, and I look forward to meeting more people in town.

Perhaps I will bring an Easter Egg for my desk, to remind me that there is life outside the office.

It's official

I no longer live in the Studio Hotel.

I had some grand times there (okay, maybe not grand) and it helped me ease my way into life in Faro, but I am off to the greener pastures of the Upper Bench. (Ah, the Upper Bench, so easy to walk to work, so incredibly painful to walk home.)

Friday night I did manage to get to Kara and Matt's for supper, where I tried moose roast for the first time - delish! And it was nice to have conversation with other people, and to play with the baby, and to get drooled on by the grey cat. I went home afterward to pack...and wound up finishing my current batch of Easter Eggs.

Naturally, that meant I had to wake up at the crack of dawn on Saturday to pack up my belongings. "No problem," I said to myself, "it's not like I have much stuff. I came up here with two suitcases, and I've only been to Whitehorse once."

Unfortunately for me, the hotel room was like the TARDIS - I couldn't believe how much stuff was crammed inside closets and dresser drawers. All in all, I managed to fill the back of Kara and Matt's truck...and none of that was furniture.

So, packing packing packing, then carrying carrying carrying things down to the truck, and carrying carrying carrying things into the house, and then more carrying up the stairs.

After a while of unpacking, I decided I needed junk food, so I walked down to the store. Big mistake. I had not realized just how dreadful the walk back up would be. By the time I got home (an hour later), my legs were trembling and I was weaving from side to side like I was drunk.

Long story short, if you heard intermittent whimpering and groaning on Sunday, that was me - every time I moved my arms or legs, I was in agony. It was a pity no one was around to shower me with attention and chocolates...no matter how badly I wanted chocolate, there was no way I was walking to the store again.

The Post I want to write you is still in my head

I worked on composing a wonderful entry in my head yesterday as I came back to Faro. I didn't actually get it written down, though, because when we got into town there was a mad rush of "Get the couch and bed into the house, get me and all my groceries back to the hotel, unpack things and squeal with delight at prospect of new things!" There was no time for me to turn on my Computron and write up an entry to post at work where there is internet access.

I am happy, even though I didn't have to time to test-drive a car or go the bookstore (whose very existence right across from Mark's Work Wearhouse fills me with joy) and Mark went to Tim Horton's while I was shopping so I didn't get to buy any freezer Timbits. I'm happy I went, and happy I'm back, and happy that Kara and Matt are helping me move my stuff from the hotel to the house tomorrow - and feeding me dinner to boot! I'd better get crackin' on packin', and on making the promised loaf of banana bread.

That other entry will just have to wait a while.