Reflections

Long time, no talk. It's an ongoing theme here at Here Right Now.

Kara has a post up that has got me thinking. It's even distracted me from the episode of ST:Voyager I've been looking forward to all afternoon (Collective - in which we meet the adorable Borg children in Season 6).

I know I'm one of the friends she refers to in the middle of the post - I watch as friends and family almost seem to panic as soon as my weight approaches their own.  They hop on the newest diet or exercise bandwagon to try and lose some weight.  Part of me is happy for them, of course I want to see everyone successful in their own weight loss endeavors.  But then part of me is pissed off.  Why did they wait until my weight was almost on par with theirs?  It makes me feel pretty crappy when it really shouldn't.

Okay, well except for the jumping on the newest diet or exercise bandwagon - unless eating nothing but cornbread is a new diet trick.

I don't know how to explain what I am feeling. All my feels are jumbled together, and it's hard to express them. But, in the interest of emotional breakthroughs, I'm going to try.

There is a part of me that is jealous of what Kara has achieved in the past year, but that jealousy stems from ... shame? Maybe shame is the right word in this case.

Kara has achieved so much, and it has not been easy. I have watched her struggle, but from the outside it looks easy. She has made a commitment to her health, to her emotional well-being, to her family, and it shines from her. Every time I see her, I am in awe.

The shame comes from deep within, from the part of me that says, "You haven't done anything like that, have you? You haven't put in the extreme effort that she has, of course you have no right to achieve what she has. You want it to happen without doing anything differently, when you know that is an impossibility. So sit on your couch and cry like a baby, because that's all you're entitled to at the moment."

It's not that I want to change the way I eat and race her to the finish line. It's that I am ashamed that I haven't done that - that I've let so many years go by, unhappy with myself, and I've done nothing. I don't want to let my bad feelings about myself hurt her progress in any way.

I am amazed by you, Kara. Every day, I'm amazed at how strong you are. Don't ever think that your success is not 1000% deserved, because it is.

So, now that I have those feels out in the open, I'm going to wash the dishes and get back to the Borg.