Quiet

Rodney is curled up in the boat, head tucked up to his feet, peering at me through one squinchy eye.

Paku is curled up on my unmade bed, burrowed down into the duvet.

In the midst of the peace and quiet, I am working on some therapy. I'm getting in touch with my inner bitch, and we're having a chat about appropriate/inappropriate reactions to news, stress, and life in general. We're talking about hormones, and how they wreak havoc with emotions, how they cross our wires and make us say things we don't mean and think things we'd never say.

And now I'm going to throw some logs on the fire, curl up under my quilt-in-progress, and get on with it.

HEART ATTACK (not really)

So, I woke up this morning, rolled out of bed around 7:30, and walked into the living room...where I found the back door open and the skinny cat nowhere to be seen.

If you heard a thud around that time, that would have been my heart dropping out of my chest onto the floor.

I called out a few times, and then I got his food dish and rattled it. Within moments, he came running inside. I snatched him up and held him against my chest. He was cold - God only knows how long he was outside.

Even as I was thanking the stars that he hadn't wandered off too far or been eaten by a fox, I was cursing him. He never used to be so bold. Getting into the space between the walls, wandering outside...the one time he got stuck on the porch in Japan, he stayed right by the door and cried to come in. Moving to the Yukon has been bad for him.

I don't know what happened last night - I guess that, when I took my laundry in, I didn't push the door all the way shut. The lock was locked, but it wouldn't have made a different since it never latched.

Either that, or someone broke into my house - but the computer and DVD player are still here, so the chances of that are slim.

I'm so wound up, I haven't been able to make breakfast...and I had a good one planned, too.

Wordy Wednesday

I got all riled up about how I was going to do a Wordy Wednesday (all words, no photos) post to counter all the Wordless Wednesday (all photos, no words) posts out there, on account of me not having any photos to share.

Then I realized I don't have a lot of words to share, either.

I'm working as hard as I can, and that's stressing me out a little. I can't seem to get in front of my eating problems, and that is definitely stressing me out. My house is still not unpacked, because I don't have furniture to unpack things to, which isn't as stressful as you'd think.

On the up side, I started quilting something for a pretty special guy yesterday, and I think this quilt is going to be amazing.

Try to tamp it down

The anxiety, that is.

I'm a naturally anxious person. I worry about stuff that I have no control over, and I worry even more about things I have even the slightest amount of control over. I worry about things that didn't happen but might have happened (example - the time I nearly got hit in the face with a taiko drumstick while the PE teacher was pounding out the accompaniment to the Nen-cho class's Sports Day display - I still wake up in a cold sweat about that).

It's hard to let go of anxiety when it feels like it's the reason you exist. This job doesn't help that. The job itself is great, but all the uncertainty surrounding it makes it very difficult to know what I am doing from moment to moment. And, naturally, my already high anxiety-levels skyrocket.

I'm having breakouts. My hair is falling out again. I eat stuff I know I shouldn't. And it just builds on itself.

But there are nice things, too. Yesterday, Bernice made me a BLT and Caesar salad for lunch, and Kara had me over for moose stir-fry. (Kara also let me use some of her photos for a new sekrit project which I hope will bring in some tourists - yay Kara!) I had a delicious peach for breakfast.

I guess I just need something around that reminds me not to let anxiety get the best of me. Perhaps it's time for some new tattoos ^_^


EDIT - And then I read this entry from Celia McBride, and I remember to notice the sun shining on the mountains.

Better today...but the day's still young

After the Council meeting last night, I went home and crawled into bed. I was in bed by 10:30, and I was tired. I didn't anticipate that I would have any trouble falling asleep. I recited Desiderata a few times (I pretty much have the whole thing memorized, go me!), curled up with the cats behind my knees, and waited.

And waited.

The clock was ticking so loudly that it felt like it was ticking in my chest, like every tick of the second hand shook the bed with its force. I couldn't drown it out. By the time midnight rolled around, my cats had gotten energetic (and hungry, again) and were bouncing around and yowling. The clock was still ticking. I was nearly in tears.

Out of the bedroom went the cats! Into my ears went some foam earplugs! Desiderata recited twice more! Look out, Morpheus, I'm on my way!

I don't know what time I actually got to sleep, but it wasn't early enough. I woke this morning with bags under my eyes that were the size of cat-carriers. I cried because I had to get up and take a shower. I am so totally not a morning person.

Signs things might not be working

1. When the thought of returning to the office after lunch makes you want to barf and/or cry.

2. When the phone ringing makes you want to hide under your desk.

I'm not saying I'm going to quit, I'm just saying that, sometimes, I really want to quit.

I have not vanished into the mist

My internet connection should be working tomorrow at the new place. Heck, it might even be working now, but I haven't found the box where my router and phone are, so I haven't been able to check.

I burned my thumb on the wood-stove yesterday. I am having some major hand/eye coordination issues lately. The burn isn't really bad, although I did call over to Matt and Kara's because I couldn't remember if you're supposed to leave the blister alone or lance it (I really wanted to lance it, it feels like my thumb has grown a thumb of its own). Between the burn and all the assorted bruises I gave myself this weekend, I am looking a bit worse for wear.

I did a lot of unpacking this weekend. Probably less than I should have, but I get bored easily. Kara told me I have Adult ADD, which makes me laugh. That's better than Early Onset Menopause, which is what Dianne always used to tell me I had.

I think I heard the Cranes flying south this morning. There was a strange honking sound in the air. Everything is starting to change colour, and I'm thinking about packing away some of my warm weather office clothing. Of course, the fact that I dislike a lot of that warm weather office clothing is helping. Man, I bought some weird ass clothing when I worked at Lindor.

I fully intended to do 20 minutes on the treadmill this morning when I woke up, but wound up lying in bed with a cat-blanket from neck to knees. I should feel guiltier about that than I do.

The update

I haven't written anything this week because this week was awful.

In retrospect, there was not one single event that took the prize for "Crappiest Thing," but the combination of every little thing made the whole week stink.

But that is okay - you know why?

It's Friday. The Friday of a long weekend. I am all alone in the office, which means Otis Redding Appreciation Day can get underway as soon as I like. Hooray!