The anxiety, that is.
I'm a naturally anxious person. I worry about stuff that I have no control over, and I worry even more about things I have even the slightest amount of control over. I worry about things that didn't happen but might have happened (example - the time I nearly got hit in the face with a taiko drumstick while the PE teacher was pounding out the accompaniment to the Nen-cho class's Sports Day display - I still wake up in a cold sweat about that).
It's hard to let go of anxiety when it feels like it's the reason you exist. This job doesn't help that. The job itself is great, but all the uncertainty surrounding it makes it very difficult to know what I am doing from moment to moment. And, naturally, my already high anxiety-levels skyrocket.
I'm having breakouts. My hair is falling out again. I eat stuff I know I shouldn't. And it just builds on itself.
But there are nice things, too. Yesterday, Bernice made me a BLT and Caesar salad for lunch, and Kara had me over for moose stir-fry. (Kara also let me use some of her photos for a new sekrit project which I hope will bring in some tourists - yay Kara!) I had a delicious peach for breakfast.
I guess I just need something around that reminds me not to let anxiety get the best of me. Perhaps it's time for some new tattoos ^_^
EDIT - And then I read this entry from Celia McBride, and I remember to notice the sun shining on the mountains.
Hang in there! Don't know if it's something that would be of any interest or relevance to you but I find this is the time of year I break out my SAD light (just a small, inexpensive full spectrum dealio). A half hour in the morning makes an incredible difference for me in terms of feeling more awake during the day, sleeping better at night and generally feeling less like ripping everyone a new one at the slightest provocation. (This week it was some poor hapless canada post dude). Or, maybe a new tatoo is just the ticket. Who knows? Feel better though!
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